i need hope to float up

as i'm sitting here writing this i'm crying....

1st reason it because my baby has been crying for 40 minutes to go gown for his nap when last week he only cryed for 1 minute...i can't go get him because then it will be longer tomorrow so i have to listen and just cry with him...the alternatives are not acceptable...like opening the door and telling him to "shut the front door!" ...spanking him....just getting him up....can't do any of that so here i sit and here i cry :-(

2nd reason is because James' job still isn't getting better and hearing about it makes it worse...not better but not listening isn't an option either...i'm normally such a happy person, optimistic person and just over all glass is half full but it seems when on one hand things are great the very next breath something is bad or worse about our life and our situation...

it seems that just one aspect of his job needs to change and this will all be better but will it? will it really? the old me would say yeah! we just need to figuret his one thing about and we'll be good to go but the new me isn't so sure.

Have i said yet that i don't like the new me? i hate her because her hope is gone. her faith that it will all work out is gone. The old me used to pray...pray for little things...for big things and lots of times they were answered...the new me doesn't like to pray anymore because nothing seems to change for the better..actually it's worse because it will seem to be better for a few days and then the reality is slammed in her face again so it takes her hope and faith away all over again..like a band aid being ripped and ripped again and again.

One thing the old and new me have in common is that they love James...both of them...she wants the best for her husband and son and that has never and will never change so she's going to keep moving forward and keep trying to keep everyone afloat the way she always has...well the way she's always tried to do anyway....

I think i'll hold onto hope a little longer after all....

Callum said a brand new word today without any practice that lit up our faces like Christmas trees and if he can do that, we can do this....