time is running out..

i wonder if it's a character flaw in me that i very rarely focus on what is really troubling me....i try to focus like right now on things i won't miss...

1. I won't miss the grocery store struggles on Mondays...i used to go on Saturdays alone and it was heaven!

2. I won't miss all the people asking questions about what kind of breed Harley is. You have to see him to understand where the fascination comes from w. strangers...Harley dog truly is odd looking but every single walk we take atleast 2 ppl come up to us or talk about us as we've walked away...sometimes it's 4 or 5 ppl if we are taking a decent walk.

3. I won't miss stressing over every single meal Callum eats..for whatever reason this truly stresses me out to no end.

4. For a short time i'll get uninterupted sleep which will be nice. i admit it.

5. I won't miss being the person that takes care of everything. absolutely everything. James is a fantastic husband and father but since we are in an apartment and i do stay home there is nothing he really needs to do other than play with Callum. I do all the cleaning and hard stuff w. Callum...i mostly take the dog out and the garbage...he does pitch in don't get me wrong but i do ALOT.

so see...i try to focus on this stuff to make myself feel better because in a few short days i'll be making a big move...literally and figuratively and it's going to be stressful and sad and just plain overwhelming.

About once a week i really break down..usually when Callum is napping so i don't scare him but it all hits me, i can't hide from it...the crippling sadness that something that at the core has brought me so much happiness is about to be over. I am unbelievably lucky that i was able to be with my little boy for 7 months but now i have to go back to work. i think the reason i'm so sad is because he is at a wonderful age where he is fun, he's learning, immitating, talking, reasoning, playing and just amazing me everyday of who he is as a person...not a baby. I know that i truly am blessed though..i am able to care for me family when they need me and as a wife/parent that's what i'm supposed to do but.....

I just can't help but be incredibly sad....

I hope he isn't mad at me or confused...think i abandoned him or just don't want to be around him because truly I just love being around my son and this is the biggest challenge i've ever faced. give me strength to leave this face....