something really odd i'll miss

i had a thought during one of our walks yesterday...

I'm really going to miss all of the airplanes that fly over downtown...

I guess it's because it's the amount of them we see and the fact that Callum LOVES i mean LLLOOOOOOVVVVVEEESSSSSSSSss airplanes so i'm constantly pointing them out and using the phrase "lets see how many airplanes we see" to just get him in his stroller for walks some days....

today we saw an ENORMOUS military style plane and we oohed and ahhhed for a few minutes then went about our walk....

anything else strange...hmm let me think on that one...

i will really miss Pat. she will never read this i'm sure. she's the concierge in our building a few days a week and she really fusses over Callum and got him stuck on his love for dum dums which i thank and curse her for...lol but she's raised 5 boys herself and just has the "i'm a mother of boys" look about her that i can always relate to.

i think that's it for now but if you're reading this blog at all you can see that this is a moment in my life where the thoughts are constant and it helps getting it out there..ok. that's all for now.

time is running out..

i wonder if it's a character flaw in me that i very rarely focus on what is really troubling me....i try to focus like right now on things i won't miss...

1. I won't miss the grocery store struggles on Mondays...i used to go on Saturdays alone and it was heaven!

2. I won't miss all the people asking questions about what kind of breed Harley is. You have to see him to understand where the fascination comes from w. strangers...Harley dog truly is odd looking but every single walk we take atleast 2 ppl come up to us or talk about us as we've walked away...sometimes it's 4 or 5 ppl if we are taking a decent walk.

3. I won't miss stressing over every single meal Callum eats..for whatever reason this truly stresses me out to no end.

4. For a short time i'll get uninterupted sleep which will be nice. i admit it.

5. I won't miss being the person that takes care of everything. absolutely everything. James is a fantastic husband and father but since we are in an apartment and i do stay home there is nothing he really needs to do other than play with Callum. I do all the cleaning and hard stuff w. Callum...i mostly take the dog out and the garbage...he does pitch in don't get me wrong but i do ALOT.

so see...i try to focus on this stuff to make myself feel better because in a few short days i'll be making a big move...literally and figuratively and it's going to be stressful and sad and just plain overwhelming.

About once a week i really break down..usually when Callum is napping so i don't scare him but it all hits me, i can't hide from it...the crippling sadness that something that at the core has brought me so much happiness is about to be over. I am unbelievably lucky that i was able to be with my little boy for 7 months but now i have to go back to work. i think the reason i'm so sad is because he is at a wonderful age where he is fun, he's learning, immitating, talking, reasoning, playing and just amazing me everyday of who he is as a person...not a baby. I know that i truly am blessed though..i am able to care for me family when they need me and as a wife/parent that's what i'm supposed to do but.....

I just can't help but be incredibly sad....

I hope he isn't mad at me or confused...think i abandoned him or just don't want to be around him because truly I just love being around my son and this is the biggest challenge i've ever faced. give me strength to leave this face....

well..it was heaven while it lasted

I was right. i'll all about to be over. I have had the most amazing experience though that I will tell Callum about when he's older...i was able to cherish moments i would have missed, i realized staying at home with a child shortens your temper considerably, i learned that I dread meal times more than tantrums and that being the designated getter upper at 2am just sucks...pretty soon James and I will change roles...like a wife swap in a way. I go to work and he stays home. I have to admit that i'm 50/50 on how i feel...there are alot of things about our current situation that i'll be happy to leave behind like going 11 floors to take my dog out and going 12 floors w. a suitcase to do my laundry but i'll probably mourn the loss of our special days together like when we'd go to the zoo and no one was there but us or laying on the floor on our pillows when he'd lean in for a little kiss for his mama. I'm so grateful for this opportunity that James has given us, the perspective on life it's given me and now i'm grateful to get him out of a jam too...i think above all we will all be thankful for the lessons we've learned here...love you cleveland but look out PA...here we come :)