something really odd i'll miss

i had a thought during one of our walks yesterday...

I'm really going to miss all of the airplanes that fly over downtown...

I guess it's because it's the amount of them we see and the fact that Callum LOVES i mean LLLOOOOOOVVVVVEEESSSSSSSSss airplanes so i'm constantly pointing them out and using the phrase "lets see how many airplanes we see" to just get him in his stroller for walks some days....

today we saw an ENORMOUS military style plane and we oohed and ahhhed for a few minutes then went about our walk....

anything else strange...hmm let me think on that one...

i will really miss Pat. she will never read this i'm sure. she's the concierge in our building a few days a week and she really fusses over Callum and got him stuck on his love for dum dums which i thank and curse her for...lol but she's raised 5 boys herself and just has the "i'm a mother of boys" look about her that i can always relate to.

i think that's it for now but if you're reading this blog at all you can see that this is a moment in my life where the thoughts are constant and it helps getting it out there..ok. that's all for now.

time is running out..

i wonder if it's a character flaw in me that i very rarely focus on what is really troubling me....i try to focus like right now on things i won't miss...

1. I won't miss the grocery store struggles on Mondays...i used to go on Saturdays alone and it was heaven!

2. I won't miss all the people asking questions about what kind of breed Harley is. You have to see him to understand where the fascination comes from w. strangers...Harley dog truly is odd looking but every single walk we take atleast 2 ppl come up to us or talk about us as we've walked away...sometimes it's 4 or 5 ppl if we are taking a decent walk.

3. I won't miss stressing over every single meal Callum eats..for whatever reason this truly stresses me out to no end.

4. For a short time i'll get uninterupted sleep which will be nice. i admit it.

5. I won't miss being the person that takes care of everything. absolutely everything. James is a fantastic husband and father but since we are in an apartment and i do stay home there is nothing he really needs to do other than play with Callum. I do all the cleaning and hard stuff w. Callum...i mostly take the dog out and the garbage...he does pitch in don't get me wrong but i do ALOT.

so see...i try to focus on this stuff to make myself feel better because in a few short days i'll be making a big move...literally and figuratively and it's going to be stressful and sad and just plain overwhelming.

About once a week i really break down..usually when Callum is napping so i don't scare him but it all hits me, i can't hide from it...the crippling sadness that something that at the core has brought me so much happiness is about to be over. I am unbelievably lucky that i was able to be with my little boy for 7 months but now i have to go back to work. i think the reason i'm so sad is because he is at a wonderful age where he is fun, he's learning, immitating, talking, reasoning, playing and just amazing me everyday of who he is as a person...not a baby. I know that i truly am blessed though..i am able to care for me family when they need me and as a wife/parent that's what i'm supposed to do but.....

I just can't help but be incredibly sad....

I hope he isn't mad at me or confused...think i abandoned him or just don't want to be around him because truly I just love being around my son and this is the biggest challenge i've ever faced. give me strength to leave this face....

well..it was heaven while it lasted

I was right. i'll all about to be over. I have had the most amazing experience though that I will tell Callum about when he's older...i was able to cherish moments i would have missed, i realized staying at home with a child shortens your temper considerably, i learned that I dread meal times more than tantrums and that being the designated getter upper at 2am just sucks...pretty soon James and I will change roles...like a wife swap in a way. I go to work and he stays home. I have to admit that i'm 50/50 on how i feel...there are alot of things about our current situation that i'll be happy to leave behind like going 11 floors to take my dog out and going 12 floors w. a suitcase to do my laundry but i'll probably mourn the loss of our special days together like when we'd go to the zoo and no one was there but us or laying on the floor on our pillows when he'd lean in for a little kiss for his mama. I'm so grateful for this opportunity that James has given us, the perspective on life it's given me and now i'm grateful to get him out of a jam too...i think above all we will all be thankful for the lessons we've learned here...love you cleveland but look out PA...here we come :)

i need hope to float up

as i'm sitting here writing this i'm crying....

1st reason it because my baby has been crying for 40 minutes to go gown for his nap when last week he only cryed for 1 minute...i can't go get him because then it will be longer tomorrow so i have to listen and just cry with him...the alternatives are not acceptable...like opening the door and telling him to "shut the front door!" ...spanking him....just getting him up....can't do any of that so here i sit and here i cry :-(

2nd reason is because James' job still isn't getting better and hearing about it makes it worse...not better but not listening isn't an option either...i'm normally such a happy person, optimistic person and just over all glass is half full but it seems when on one hand things are great the very next breath something is bad or worse about our life and our situation...

it seems that just one aspect of his job needs to change and this will all be better but will it? will it really? the old me would say yeah! we just need to figuret his one thing about and we'll be good to go but the new me isn't so sure.

Have i said yet that i don't like the new me? i hate her because her hope is gone. her faith that it will all work out is gone. The old me used to pray...pray for little things...for big things and lots of times they were answered...the new me doesn't like to pray anymore because nothing seems to change for the better..actually it's worse because it will seem to be better for a few days and then the reality is slammed in her face again so it takes her hope and faith away all over again..like a band aid being ripped and ripped again and again.

One thing the old and new me have in common is that they love James...both of them...she wants the best for her husband and son and that has never and will never change so she's going to keep moving forward and keep trying to keep everyone afloat the way she always has...well the way she's always tried to do anyway....

I think i'll hold onto hope a little longer after all....

Callum said a brand new word today without any practice that lit up our faces like Christmas trees and if he can do that, we can do this....

i'm an idiot

sometimes i think i'm a really really good parent...

i don't back down....i set boundaries and rules....i play with my son (really play-car sounds and all)...i make sure he gets balanced meals but give him treats too....i let him get messy and try not to care..

then you get times like these that i feel like an idiot and i am not fit to care for a monkey....

3 weeks ago Callum started crying when we put him to bed..really crying (20 min plus) so we agreed to rock him to sleep one night...then night after night he kept crying at bed time..i found that i could just sit w. him in his room to fall asleep and magic! no tears!! well bedtime soon turned into naps as well so i found myself not letting him soothe himself to sleep like he was used to but easing him into it every day and night by basically holding his hand and slipping out of the room, scooting out of the room and i even have laid down completely flat and inched out just so he wouldn't see me! ( i still can't believe i did that)...during all of this he began waking up in the middle of the night too! so here i was like i was coddling a newborn easing him to sleep 3-4 times a night!! gahhh..what is it, molars? nightmares? separation anxiety?

no. it took my single friend without a child and most importantly an objective person to say i had erased all of my hard work from when Callum was 5 months and we taught him to self soothe...here was my 19 month old needing me to soothe him to sleep :( epic fail.

so we started CIO on Sunday...happy to report he hasn't woken up in the middle of the night since then and it's Wednesday...crying started at 1 hour to 30 minutes to 15, to 10 and now just around 6 minutes. only setback is he fell asleep in my arms for his nap today still holding his car..LOL..i seriously put him down while he was still clutching his car!

I guess we go through these things to be reminded that we are always learning and to be consistent because hard work can very quickly be erased. I've also learned to lean on my friends more because sometimes a problem just needs a fresh set of eyes. thanks aunt jen!!!

just going to focus on....

Making James' 30th birthday party the day he deserves....

I made a call for a special cakes with a joke combined that hopefully he gets a laugh out of...

I made a call for a present he deserves in so many ways...

I made a call to make sure everything is in order for this man that continues to fight for us. He fights everyday with himself to keep it together for us and to give us the life I always dreamed of.

Today Callum kept going for one more kiss from daddy...one more..one more...

Keep your fingers crossed for us that I can lock down the best 30th birthday present EVER today. and get this, it's on SALE!! it sounds meant to be!!

worried

We had a fabulous fourth of July weekend! James was able to go to his friends' bachelor party and Callum and I went to my parents...dad had to work but we were still able to spend our entire mornings together before it was mom and I with Callum. One of my favorite memories from this weekend was watching Callum squeal as he ran through the cascade of bubbles coming through the bubble machine...he even got close to saying "bubble"...Sometimes i forget how much happiness can be found in the simplest of things...

We also noticed Callum is becoming a little boy with a "type A" personality. We found a race track carpet for him to play with and watched for a very long time him putting them in lines...then he would group them in a square shape, then line them up by car type. Callum spent so much time making sure each care was right in the spot it needed to be, according to him. I actually caught him scratching his head at one point..hahaha.

We came back to Cleveland on Sunday and spend the afternoon at the pool on the roof with friends and found going to the pool is becoming a huge challenge....at one point Callum was trying to hold on to me in the deep end and i couldn't touch so he went under the water until i could touch...few seconds felt like an eternity....saw that ppl don't react at all too, there were atleast 30 ppl there that saw me struggling to get him above water and no one even MOVED....

Monday we went to our friends apartment in Cleveland for a cookout and had a great time until Callum ran into the corner of their ping pong table and got his first goose egg :(

Now comes the time for worry, we've noticed that his right leg and his left leg turn in...his left leg has for a while but ped. said not to worry...last two weeks though his right is turning in too, badly and now i'm waiting for a call from his doc to see if we need to go in or if he will refer us to someone else...hoping i'm overreacting...seriously...i don't want this to be anything. He has always been such a good walker and now he trips on his own toes...tomorrow hopefully an update and pictures from the 4th. bye for now!!